


Don't You Dare Assume

by KandiSheek



Series: Kinktober 2018 [8]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Abusive howard, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angry Sex, Angst, Asshole Steve, Asshole Tony, Canon Divergence - Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Childhood Trauma, Fix-It, Hate Sex, Howard Stark's A+ Parenting, Hurt Tony, Hurt Tony Stark, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Kinktober, Kinktober 2018, M/M, Porn With Plot, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Steve Rogers Feels, Tony Stark Feels, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Has Issues, Unresolved Tension, everyone's an asshole, now with a fix it sequel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-08
Updated: 2018-11-06
Packaged: 2019-07-28 02:00:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16231898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KandiSheek/pseuds/KandiSheek
Summary: In the end he couldn't even remember what he said, just that it ended in Rogers slamming him up against the wall, crushing their mouths together in a painful kiss.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So yeah, I'm gonna attempt to write a PWP for Stony all 31 days of October. Wish me luck!
> 
> Kinktober Prompt 08: Angry sex/hate-fucking
> 
> No happy end in this one, kids. Steve and Tony are both dicks to each other and feelings end up getting hurt. Read with caution.

In the end he couldn't even remember what he said, just that it ended in Rogers slamming him up against the wall, crushing their mouths together in a painful kiss. Tony should have shoved him off, but instead he clawed at his back, nails digging into his shoulder blades. The Captain groaned heartily, grabbing his hair and yanking it back so he could tower over Tony as he crowded him flat against the wall until every inch of Tony's body was covered in super soldier. It simultaneously made no fucking sense and more sense than anything else had in their fucked up relationship so far.

Tony bit roughly at Steve's mouth, a smug smirk on his face when the soldier hissed and tightened his grip on Tony's hips. The next second Steve dragged him off the wall and practically threw him across the room, making Tony stumble before he ended up sprawled halfway across his desk, completely undignified. Tony whipped around to glare at Steve with his teeth bared.

“What the fuck, Rogers?” he snapped, watching as Steve unceremoniously pulled off his shirt and stalked towards him like a predator. “You couldn't have asked nicely?”

“Shut up,” Steve huffed, grabbing Tony and forcefully turning him around until he was bent over the desk before he ripped his belt open. Literally ripped it, the caveman.

“That belt costs more than your entire wardrobe,” Tony ground out, breath hitching when Steve made short work of his pants the same way. “And I like those pants, you fucking asshole! Don't think that's not coming out of your allowance –”

“Shut. Up.” Steve gritted out and Tony delighted in the audible grinding of his teeth before he pulled Tony back against him until Tony had to stand on his tip toes to keep his balance. He slammed his hands down on the desk when Steve wrapped an arm around his stomach and lifted him just a tiny bit further, holding up his entire weight on that one arm. Tony felt his face flush red with embarrassment.

“What the – put me down, Rogers!” he yelled, kicking him in the shin for good measure. “I'm not your fucking sex doll!”

Steve must have produced lube from somewhere because his finger was slick when it slipped inside Tony, no warning whatsoever. Tony grunted, trying not to clench down on the intrusion as Steve didn't even give him a minute before pulling it back out, starting a rhythm that screamed military efficiency.

“Hey, Cap. Don't know if you know this,” Tony seethed. “But sticking your fingers in someone's ass without asking is fucking _rude_.”

“Do you ever shut up, Tony?” Steve's voice practically vibrated with tension, his finger curling and twisting inside him before he added another, making Tony hiss at the stretch. It wasn't yet painful, but Steve was going much faster that Tony would've expected him to, being Captain Boyscout and all.

“I'm just saying. Little warning would be nice. Not that I really expected one, seeing as we all know your opinion on talking things out before rushing in –“

Steve's arm tightened its hold on Tony's stomach, fingers clenching against his ribs. “You wanna do this now? Fine.” He pulled his fingers out before practically slamming back in with three of them, stealing Tony's breath for a moment. Fuck, okay, that had hurt. Steve didn't seem to care as he continued in a tightly controlled voice. “If you had followed the plan I wouldn't have had to fucking rush and you know it. Clint took that shot because you didn't respond on the comms. And nobody except you knew it was a trap because you didn't deem it important enough to relay to us.” Steve gritted his teeth, fingers twisting inside Tony until he couldn't hold back his panting groans anymore. “Clint got hurt because you kept your stupid mouth shut. So tell me again that I'm the one with communication problems, I fucking dare you.”

Tony's hackles rose. “Oh, that's just fucking rich coming from you. How about this then? I dropped off the radar because I saw someone hacking into our frequency and thought it was better that no one knows what's coming rather than having the bad guys know what's coming. You telling me you wouldn't have made that call, _Captain?_ ”

“If you'd stuck to the plan you wouldn't have _had to_ ,” Steve barked, ripping his fingers out with such force that it made Tony choke on his next breath. “If you'd just followed orders for _once_ maybe we could have figured this out together, as a _team_ , instead of you trying to suicide bomb into the fray without any regards for what happens to the others –“

“Fuck you, Rogers,” Tony spat, his fists trembling with fury on the table. “There's a difference between being reckless and me making a founded decision based on _facts_ and you fucking know it, you fucking hypocrite –“

Tony choked on his remark when Steve suddenly pushed in, all the way to the hilt, his other arm coming up to grab his hipbone in a bruising grip as he held Tony down, just making him take it. Tony's hands scrambled for hold on the desk, breath coming fast and sharp as he adjusted to the stretch, momentarily lost for words.

“Yeah, I know,” Steve said in a deceptively calm voice. Tony knew that tone, had heard it many times on the field, but never used on anyone on their side, on a _team mate_. Steve put Tony back on his feet leaning over him to cage him in with his arms on either side of Tony's, consequently speaking right in his ear. “There is a difference. Because one of them is a last resort. The other is just you being selfish.”

Tony flinched, but before he could retaliate Steve started thrusting into him, not as fast as he could've, but enough to make Tony lose his breath.

“Fuck you,” Tony gasped, eyes squeezed shut when Steve bit at his neck none too gently. “Call me whatever you want, but I made the right call and you know it.”

“I never asked you to make these kinds of calls,” Steve grunted, his breath hot on Tony's neck. “If you just listened –“

“Yeah, yeah. We can just circle back to that all day,” Tony droned carelessly, making Steve's hands clench into fists on the table. “Or you can stop being an ass and just accept that not everything is about you and your orders.” Tony's lips twisted into a wry smile as he drove the point home. “We're not soldiers, _Captain_. We don't just march when someone whistles. Unlike you I'm not content with being Fury's pet, _soldier_.”

He could feel the exact moment Steve snapped. One moment he went very still and the next he was grabbing Tony, forcefully pulling him up so he hung in Steve's arms like a rag doll. He barely noticed Steve slipping out as he turned him forcefully, pushing until his thighs hit the table. Tony only got a brief glance at the ice cold fury in Steve's eyes before Steve slammed him back down on the table, knocking the air out of him.

“Fuck,” Tony panted, gritting his teeth when Steve thrust back inside him with punishing force, grabbing both of Tony's wrists as he pounded into him. Tony looked up and saw Steve staring at him with frustrated anger, eyes narrowing when Tony's found his.

“You think I don't know that?” he growled, and he wasn't even out of breath from all this, the bastard. “You fucking think – you know what, Tony? Maybe being in the army and serving someone else for once would have done you some good. At least then someone would have taken the opportunity to beat some sense into you while they still could.”

Tony growled, about to bite back something fierce when Steve leaned right up in his face, staring him down with something too much like contempt. “It's clear that Howard didn't. Otherwise he would have taught you some respect.”

Tony went very still, his face carefully blank. Steve apparently didn't notice as he pulled away and picked up the pace, leaning back for better leverage. Tony barely felt it when Steve came inside him a few minutes later, but when he reached for Tony's cock Tony slapped him away, sliding off the desk on shaky legs. He couldn't look at Steve.

“Tony?” That was concern in his voice, but Tony was too tired to deal with any of that shit, pulling up his ripped pants and limping towards the elevator. He didn't make it two steps before Steve was grabbing his arm, turning him back around.

“Tony, what –“ He stopped at whatever look was on Tony's face. Tony couldn't really tell anymore. “Are you...” He trailed off uncertainly, biting his lip in what Tony clearly recognized as guilt. Great.

“No sweat, Captain,” he said as blasé as he could. “I'm gonna take a shower if that's alright with you.”

“Tony, we need to talk about –“

“You know, what you said back then,” Tony suddenly spoke up, looking Steve right in the eye. “That I was nothing like Howard. To me that's a compliment.”

Steve only looked mad for a second before it turned to confusion and then slowly dawning horror. Tony smirked.

“Didn't need the army to beat some sense into me, Cap.”

“Tony, I –“ Steve choked, but Tony turned away and walked to the elevator. This time Steve didn't follow. As the doors closed Tony got one last look at Steve sliding to the floor with his head in his hands before the doors shut like a curtain drawing on a scene. He breathed out heavily.

So much for communication.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again! So, since a lot of people asked for it, here's a fix-it sequel to this story. It's set after the Infinity War is over so the stakes have raised for Steve to get his shit together and apologize. I hope you like it :)

Tony could feel his eyes on him.

For some reason that look was harder to ignore than the presence of one-armed wonder boy at the conference table. He'd been brought back along with everyone else and Tony had been unpleasantly surprised by how much the sight of him still pained him. It wasn't like Tony had made his peace with what happened, that just wasn't how he rolled, but after everything he'd assumed that it would cut just a little bit less to see him there. Oh well.

He could tell Natasha was watching him too, calculating and expectant and that more than anything was what kept him rooted to his seat, an expressionless mask on his face. Fuck them and their mistrust, he didn't need any of it. He was Tony fucking Stark. Stark men were made of iron.

“Mr. Stark.” He looked up at T'Challa, giving him a curt nod to show he was listening. “A word, if I may?”

Tony snorted. “No need to be so formal, kitkat. You've saved my life. That puts us on first name basis, don't you think?”

A tiny smile found its way onto the king's face and he nodded regally. How you nod regally was beyond Tony, but T'Challa had it down pat. “Of course, Tony.” To the rest of the room he said, “That will be all for today. If you need anything please feel free to ask one of the staff and they will provide you with whatever aid necessary. Thank you.”

Tony stayed at the table as everyone around them stood to leave. He ignored all of their looks, resentful, concerned or curious, he couldn't care less. It wouldn't be long before he got all of his affairs here set in order and as soon as that was done he planned on grabbing his spiderling and booking it the hell out of Wakanda as fast as his thrusters could carry him. Leave all of this behind. Settle down somewhere close to the old tower. Live out the rest of his life in peace.

It sounded great in theory, but the reality of it was more daunting than he'd like. Was he really done? Tony liked to think so, but then again it had never mattered how far he ran, the Avengers had always found a way to pull him back. Always needed him. And no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't refuse them his help or counsel. Just the thought left a bad taste in his mouth.

Now, with Pepper out of the picture once and for all after he'd fucked off into space despite her begging him to come back and the Avengers still broken beyond repair there really was nothing left for him to come home to. Iron man was still needed, the Stark brand was still needed, but Tony? Not so much. At least the new recruits still saw him as someone worthwhile, no matter how much things sucked between him and the old team.

“Tony.” T'Challa's voice brought him out of his thoughts as the king came to lean against the table right in front of him, arms crossed. “Are you alright?”

Tony waved him off, leaning back in his seat with his usual cocksure smirk. He had the feeling it didn't sit quite right on his face anymore. “Nothing you can fix. What's new, pussycat?”

“The council has come to a decision regarding Stark Industry's restoration program,” T'Challa said and Tony sat up straight as the king slid a huge document folder towards him. “There are some points left to negotiate though...”

As the hours went on Tony lost himself in repair plans and funding requests, one suggestion after the other. Even with Thanos gone there was still much to do and honestly, thank God for that. Tony was pretty sure he'd go insane if he was left to his own devices right now.

The Accords were still a problem. Officially speaking the exiled Avengers hadn't been pardoned yet, but between T'Challa's and Tony's influence and the undeniable evidence that the Avengers had saved the world – _again_ – it was only a matter of time. Much more pressing was the matter of support systems, damage repairs, solutions for a lack of health care among the victims of the snap and so on and so forth. By the time they were done Tony felt like he'd been put through the wringer. He couldn't help the thought that Pepper would be so much better at this than him and his stupid heart twanged at the memory of her walking away from him. He was just glad that they'd managed to bring her back to do it or he'd never have forgiven himself.

“Alright, I'm getting sick of this wallpaper,” Tony announced as he finally stood, stretching his sore back and giving T'Challa a nod that he hoped conveyed his genuine gratefulness. T'Challa was one of the few people Tony could still look directly in the eye without either feeling guilty or gearing up for a fight. It was a nice change. “Good work today, your majesty. I really appreciate what you're doing for everyone here.”

T'Challa looked at him with an unreadable expression before he nodded right back. “The same could be said of you, Mr. – Tony.” He smiled. “My sister Shuri has been asking about you. She wants you to see her in her lab tomorrow to discuss some piece of technology she's been working on.”

Tony cracked his knuckles – which, ow, he really was getting old – and smiled. “She's a bright kid. Smarter than me at her age.”

“Don't let her hear you say that, she's insufferable as she is.” With one last smile at each other they parted ways, retiring to their own rooms like a pair of old men. God, what had Tony's life come to?

Tony shook his head at himself, rubbing a hand over his sore neck. A hot shower was in order, maybe even one of those massages the Dora kept offering and Tony kept refusing for fear of getting his spine cracked. These women could crush bones without breaking a sweat, God knew their methods of massage were dubious at best. If Bruce were here he would –

Tony abandoned that train of thought as quickly as it came. Bruce had his reasons for going into hiding after the war and Tony was absolutely not going to resent him for it. But a small, desperate part of him still hoped for his friend to come back and help him out. Bruce was the only one Tony could've talked to about how hard it was for him to stay here where he was wary of every corner he turned, praying that none of the team would be waiting to ambush him. Especially since Rhodey was already back home with his family and Pepper –

Well, she had every reason not to stay.

Tony opened the door to his room, massaging his aching temples – and almost walked right back out.

“Wait,” Steve said, a hand reaching out towards Tony as if on instinct and Tony had to fight the urge to take a step back. “Can we talk? Please?”

Tony was sorely tempted to just slam the door shut and run the fuck away, but this _was_ his room and he'd be damned if he let Steve ruin his only safe space in the palace. So he took a calming breath and stepped inside, closing the door behind him. He stayed right by the wall, as far away from Steve as he could possibly get in the room before he looked up, bracing himself for the confrontation.

And there he was. In all his not-so-star-spangled-anymore glory.

They'd seen a lot of each other during the planning, the battle, the aftermath, but never like this. Not face to face with no one around to draw Tony's attention away from him, only a few feet separating them. Well, a few feet and a crater of hurt feelings and mistrust. Tony had thought they'd reached an understanding to just stay out of each others' way, but apparently not.

Steve's expression gave away nothing, so Tony responded in kind, a cold, disinterested mask on his face.

“What do you want, Rogers?”

He could see Steve swallow as he crossed his arms, uncrossed them, crossed them again. Steve took a deep breath and then started speaking, tone deliberately neutral. “Tony. I wanted to tell you that I really appreciate everything you've –“

“What's with the beard?”

Steve frowned. “What?”

“Been meaning to ask,” Tony said, rubbing a hand across his own jaw. “I couldn't tell if it was a fashion choice or if you just don't have access to mirrors anymore.”

Steve looked annoyed for a split second before he schooled his expression back into a carefully blank one. “Listen, Tony. I really –“

“Because it's kind of bugging me, I mean I can imagine there's not much room for luxury when you're on the run, but it's been weeks, someone should've gotten you a razor by now –“

“Dammit, Tony, will you just listen?” Steve burst out suddenly and Tony's face twisted into an ugly smirk. Gotcha.

“I don't see why I should. Didn't your mom teach you not to enter people's rooms unannounced? That kind of thing gets you shot in different households.”

For a second Tony thought Steve would rise to the bait, but instead he took a deep breath, deflating like a dorito-shaped balloon. “I didn't come here to fight, Tony.”

“Oh yeah? Could've fooled me,” Tony said sarcastically, gesturing at Steve's defensive posture. “You got something relevant to say? Because if you're just here to blab at me about useless shit then you can take your crap and shove it right up your ass.”

Tony could see Steve grit his teeth in frustration. “This is important.”

“Didn't sound like it to me,” Tony said, raising a condescending eyebrow and feeling a smug sense of satisfaction at the way it made Steve's hands clench into fists. “So unless you got questions about the Accords or the new Avengers you can get the hell out right now.”

“Tony –“ Steve started, closing his eyes as he took a deep breath to apparently calm himself before he continued. “What happened in Siberi–“

“Don't,” Tony cut him off brusquely, eyes going hard. “It happened. We moved on. You got your buddy back and I got the Accords in order. End of story.”

“ _Did_ we move on?” Steve asked back, his voice suddenly sharp. “Because to me it looks like you're just pretending that nothing's wrong –“

“Oh I'm sorry, is that how it came across?” Tony asked coolly. “I was going for professional, but I guess it'd be too much to ask of you to think that I could be capable of that.”

“I – That's not the point, Tony!” Steve said and he looked like he wanted to punch something. It made something in Tony's gut twist nervously and he stomped down on the feeling, furious with himself. He was not afraid of Steve. Not anymore. “Can you just let me apologize?”

“I thought that was over and done with. Or did I read your letter wrong?” Tony asked innocently, a crooked smirk on his face. “I mean, you never actually said sorry, but I guess you can't expect miracles. The gist of it was real touching though. Very sweet. I might've shed a tear.”

“Tony,” Steve sighed and Tony held up a hand.

“Let me stop you right there. You want my forgiveness? Fine. You have it. Now fuck off.”

Steve looked at him with such disappointment that Tony felt his hackles rising. “I don't want blanket forgiveness like that, Tony. I want to earn back your trust –“

Tony snorted, a mean sort of laughter punching out of him. “Oh, that's rich. What makes you think that I will trust you _now_ when _you_ didn't even trust me when we were friends?”

“I don't expect it to be easy,” Steve said, getting louder in his frustration. “I just want a chance, Tony. Is that too much to ask?”

“What if it is?” Tony snapped, hand clenching into fists. “I don't know what the fuck you think this will accomplish, but I'm not here to make friends, Rogers. As soon as I'm done here I'm gone and I hope to God I won't ever see any of you again.”

Steve's eyes filled with a hurt too severe to hide and Tony grit his teeth at the sight. This is why he didn't fucking want to be around Steve. Even after all these years he still couldn't –

“We're just starting to become a team again,” Steve said, accusatory enough that it just fueled Tony's anger. “It's not perfect, but it's _working_ , Tony! With time I'm sure we can –“

“No.” Tony cut him off firmly. “You guys go ahead, start your own little boy band for all I care, but I'm staying the fuck out of it.”

“I'm not letting it end like this,” Steve shouted, taking a step towards Tony. The sight made a memory flash through Tony's mind, his stomach suddenly roiling with cold rage. “If you don't want to be part of the team, fine, but you better give me a damn good reason –“

“Or what?” Tony snapped unthinkingly. “You gonna fuck me again?”

And Steve jerked back like he'd been slapped, all the fight leaving him in an instant as his face twisted with so much pain that it almost made Tony wince.

“I'm so–“

“Don't you dare apologize,” Tony hissed, stabbing a finger at Steve. He instantly felt bad for bringing it up, especially because it had nothing to do with his anger now. “That night was on both of us. But if you think I'm just gonna let you stand there and fucking _judge_ me for quitting –“

“How was it on both of us?” Steve interrupted him and the honest confusion in his voice made Tony pause.

“What?” he asked and Steve looked at him in disbelief.

“I'm the _only_ one to blame for what happened then –“

“Jesus Christ, Rogers. Do we really need to bring it up again?” Tony snapped angrily. “Look, I'm sorry I said that, can we –“

“That night was –“ Steve interrupted him and the regret on his face made Tony feel sick to his stomach. “It was unacceptable. I made a terrible mistake and you –“

“I get it!” Tony snapped. “You had a lapse of judgement and you regret it. Just – Say what you came here to say and then fuck off!” Tony was breathing heavily as Steve just kept staring at him like he'd never seen him before. “ _What?_ ”

“Why do you think I regret that night?” Steve asked numbly and Tony threw his hands up.

“Wow, you're actually making me spell it out? Fine. You fucked me in the heat of the moment and when you realized what you'd done you avoided me like the plague.”

Steve gaped at Tony so incredulously that Tony started fidgeting uncomfortably. “Seriously, _what?_ You look like you've seen a ghost!”

Steve's mouth snapped shut with an audible click before he shook his head, eyes still wide. “No, you got it all wrong, I – God, is that really what you think?”

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

“I don't regret having sex with you, Tony,” Steve said like he wasn't pulling the rug from under Tony's feet with that statement. Tony blinked at him.

“You don't?”

“I mean, I do regret a lot of things about that night, but it's – None of it had to do with you, Tony. You didn't do anything wrong!”

Tony narrowed his eyes at him quizzically. “So what _do_ you regret?”

“I –“ Steve hesitated for a second, struggling to find the right words. “I regret being forceful,” he said eventually, eyes filled with guilt. “I regret not taking care of you better or – at all, I guess, and – what I said –“ Steve took a deep breath. “I regret being such an asshole. You didn't deserve any of it and I looked up Howards's file afterwards –“ Steve broke off, swallowing heavily. “I didn't know. I'm sorry.”

Tony felt like someone had knocked him over the head with how slowly he was processing all of that. “So... the only reason why you ignored me – for _months_ – was that you said that line about Howard?”

Steve looked so confused that Tony felt the urge to laugh hysterically. God, why the fuck were they so bad at communicating? “Of course I – I _hurt_ you!”

“Yeah, you did,” Tony said matter-of-factly, crossing his arms. “But I never blamed you for striking a nerve. I know Howard was your friend, there was no way you could've known.”

When Steve just kept silently gaping at him Tony sighed heavily. “Alright, so you regret being an asshole. But...” He hesitated for a second before asking the question that had plagued him for years. “Having sex with me wasn't a problem?”

“It wasn't –“ Steve started, breaking himself off as his face flushed red. “It wasn't like that. I... That night I did something that I shouldn't have done. I never wanted to hurt you, Tony, you have to believe that. And...” He looked off to the side, his face hardening as if he was readying himself for a blow. “I never meant for it to happen like that. But it did and I can never take that back. I wanted to – but I guess that doesn't matter now.” Steve looked up at him with such sadness in his eyes that Tony's heart clenched beside himself. “I'm truly sorry about everything that happened between then and now, Tony. But the thing I regret more than anything is destroying the chance to get to know you back then. I have no one to blame for that but myself.”

Tony had stopped listening halfway through, his mind buzzing with static at something Steve had said that threw up error signs in his mind, failing to draw a logical conclusion.

“Like that?” he asked hollowly and Steve frowned.

“What?”

“You didn't mean for it to happen _like that?_ ” he clarified and could only watch in disbelief as Steve suddenly averted his eyes, face flushing red. Tony's stomach dropped as he tried to wrap his mind around the only possible explanation. But that just couldn't be true, it _couldn't_ – “What the hell do you mean by that?”

“I –“ Steve stammered, eyes darting around the room. “I just – I wanted it to – if we ever – it was supposed to be _special_ ,” he finally blurted out, looking straight at Tony with a strange sort of desperation in his eyes. “I wanted it to mean something.”

Tony felt like the room was tilting as he stared at Steve. “ _Why?_ ”

Steve took a shaky breath. He still had a look in his eyes like a man going to war, but his voice was steady when he spoke, always brave in light of catastrophe.

“I was in love with you.”

Tony's mind went absolutely, frighteningly blank. He heard the words, he understood those words, but –

Steve sighed when Tony just kept staring at him. Tony could see resigned acceptance on his face, overshadowed by a sudden fatigue that made Steve look centuries older than he was. “I was in love with you,” he repeated, and he sounded so tired even as he looked at Tony with a sad smile. “Have been for years now. And I still –“

“No.” Tony ignored the way Steve's smile dropped off his face, shaking his head in denial. “You're not – you _can't be_ –“

“ _Don't_ ,” Steve snapped, closing his eyes tightly. “Don't. You can hate me all you want, but you don't get to tell me how I feel, Tony.”

“You _can't_ ,” Tony choked out, stumbling backwards. His head was spinning and he felt almost overwhelmed with despair as he went through every little detail of their confrontations in his mind, trying to make sense of it and coming up short. “If you loved me then why did you – why did you –“

Steve's face twisted with pain. “Tony –”

“You can't love me,” Tony choked out, clutching at his chest to stop all that hurt from spilling out, but it was no use – “You left me there to die!”

And Steve's face crumbled, just fell apart like his entire brave facade had only been held together by twigs and string and Tony had cut the essential cord. He sucked in a painful sounding breath, his shoulders starting to shake.

“I'm sorry,” he gasped, a hand coming up to hide his face. “God, I'm so sorry, Tony, for everything. I fucked up so bad and I don't know how to – I don't know how to fix it!”

Tony stood there uncomprehending as Steve's shoulders shook with repressed sobs, the man he'd only ever seen composed falling to pieces right in front of him. And Tony had _sworn_ he'd never let himself feel like this again, he _wouldn't_ –

“God _dammit_ , Rogers,” Tony roared when anger crashed through him like a freight train, burning red behind his eyes. “You don't get to do this now!”

Steve flinched back like Tony had hit him, his body curling in on itself to make him look small and pathetic and Tony was so fucking done.

“Get the fuck up and look me in the eyes, you fucking coward!” he spat as he marched forward to grab Steve by the collar, glaring into his watery fucking eyes. “After all this, after everything, you have the gall to say _sorry?_ ” he snapped, that close to just spitting in Steve's face and kicking him out. “You already gave me that bullshit in your half-assed letter. Whoops, sucks to be you, Tony, be there whenever. Until then fucking _bye!_ ”

Steve flinched at the words, but Tony couldn't see through his rage, the vicious desire to tear Steve apart. “Well guess what, there's nothing you could've said to make it better because at the end of it you were still gone! And not only you, but my entire _family_ too! You just took them and fucked off and of course it was _me_ who got stuck with cleaning up _your_ fucking mess! Call me if you need me? Really, Rogers? I needed you every single fucking day!” he shouted, his voice breaking on more than the volume. “You think I could just move on after all that? You think I would just _deal with it?_ Of course you did, because that's what I do, right? _Deal with shit!_ ”

Steve was looking at him with such a raw expression that it almost physically hurt to look at him, but the words just kept coming, tearing out of Tony's throat like acid.

“And leaving the Avengers to me, that was real fucking nice, real magnanimous of you. Tell me, who exactly were you thinking of when you wrote that, huh? Because as far as I know they were all either MIA or fucking criminals! Where do you get off telling me that it's _my_ responsibility to keep this fucking joke of an organization going when you're the one who tore it apart in the first place!”

Tony was breathing heavily in that way that usually preceded a panic attack, but he couldn't stop now. “You wanna talk about Siberia? Fine! Did you know that I dreamt about Barnes breaking my neck like he did my mom and you just standing there doing _nothing_ for months after that? I still have nightmares about you bashing my reactor in with the shield and I want to hate you so much for that. But I know I would've done the same thing if it was Rhodey or Pepper, so I can't even blame you for what you did!”

Tony felt close to choking on the tears that suddenly welled up in his eyes, but he couldn't look away from the agony on Steve's face, knowing that he'd put that there. “That's the worst thing about all of this, that I _get_ why you did it and that you had to, I _know_ you had to, but I still can't fucking forgive you! And I can't even look at Barnes' face without seeing him murder her in cold blood and I know it's not fair, I know he's innocent, but I can't fucking help it! It just makes me so angry to see him there with the team because they're closer to him now than they are to me and it's only natural, but it's not fucking fair! And you!” Now Tony couldn't hold back the tears anymore, could feel them running down his cheeks like they weighed tons. “You didn't even think for a second that we could've talked about any of this. I might've made mistakes, but not telling me about my parents, about Barnes and the other soldiers, that's on _you!_ All of this could've been avoided if you had just _trusted_ me, but that was just too much to fucking ask, wasn't it?”

Tony wiped the tears off furiously, letting go of Steve to hide his face. He just wanted to curl up into a ball and cry, but he couldn't, not with Steve there to see it. “Fuck, Steve, I know I'm far from innocent in all this, but fucking hell, at least I was trying! You just fucked off the first chance you got and I don't even know if it was to get to him or to get _away_ from me! I spent _years_ trying to be your friend, and – fuck, I was in love with you, you fucking asshole! Why wasn't that enough? Why can't that ever be enough?”

Tony's throat hurt after screaming so much, but he barely felt it through the pain in his chest that was making him gasp and – fuck, no no no –

“Tony?” He heard Steve ask brokenly, but it didn't matter as he fell to his knees, clutching at his chest and trying to heave in a breath, but he couldn't – fuck, he couldn't breathe –

“Tony!” Strong hands gripped his shoulders and he focused on the voice, steady and soothing that he could somehow hear even over his blood pounding in his ears. “Deep breaths, okay? When I count one, breathe in for me and hold it. One.”

Tony tried to suck in a breath, panicking when his body rebelled against it, but he kept his mouth shut anyway, trying to hold it in.

“Two. And out. Good job, Tony. Again. One.”

So Steve kept counting and Tony kept breathing, feeling the knot in his chest loosen with each breath. It took several minutes before he managed to calm down enough to become aware of their position, Tony's hands clutching Steve's arms in a death grip as Steve kept his firmly on Tony's shoulders. He let go of Steve, shifting uncomfortably and Steve let go of him like he'd been burned, leaning back where he was kneeling in front of Tony. He got up and returned a few seconds later, pressing a glass of water into Tony's hands. Tony accepted it gratefully, more than a little ashamed by his outburst now.

“Fuck,” Tony said weakly after he drank, not daring to raise his head and look at Steve. “Haven't had one of those in years.”

Steve went very still. “I didn't know you had panic attacks.”

Tony coughed, waving him off. “'S fine. I got over it.” Hardy-fucking-ha. Like Tony ever got over anything. But Steve didn't have to know that. “I never get them anymore.”

Steve stayed quiet for a long moment before he spoke hesitantly. “Listen, Tony –“

“What do you want, Steve?” Tony asked, his voice heavy with fatigue as he rubbed a hand over his face. “I get it if you want to say your piece after all that, but can we –“

His eyes snapped open, breath hitching in his throat. He'd told Steve – Fuck, he'd _told_ him –

“Tony?” Steve asked in alarm and Tony's eyes whipped up to him, wide and terrified. Steve held his hands up non-threateningly as he pitched his voice low. “Hey, it's okay, I'm not –“

“No,” Tony said in a strangled voice, shaking his head in denial. “Fuck, I didn't – You weren't supposed to know.”

Steve didn't bother asking what Tony meant, eyes filled with such a complicated mix of emotions that Tony couldn't even begin to decipher it. “I want to say something. Can I?”

Tony nodded weakly. Fuck it. Steve knew Tony's biggest weakness now. What more did he have to lose?

“When I came to the workshop that night,” Steve said somberly and Tony frowned. Why were they still talking about that fucking night? “I was so mad at you that I couldn't see straight. You always seem to bring out both the best and the worst in me.” Steve sighed. “I don't know what happened. You were winding me up so much – and that's not an excuse, I should have stopped when you didn't – But... I guess I just wasn't thinking. I was so mad and frustrated and – God, I sound like such an asshole,” Steve groaned putting his head in his hands before he looked back up at Tony. “I _am_ an asshole for doing that to you. So I just want you to know that I'm sorry for messing us up. And I'm sorry that it took me so long to tell you that. I should've done it years ago.”

Tony closed his eyes, breathing out slowly as he let that sink in. That night with Steve in the workshop had cost him weeks of sleep, so much anxiety, guilt and shame piling up until he'd felt like he could barely look Steve in the eye anymore. He'd swallowed it down of course, to keep going, keep functioning. But over the years the wound had festered, unattended, and Tony hadn't even realized it until now that it was laid out in the open.

He looked at Steve, feeling an ocean of hurt and betrayal rise in him that threatened to consume him. “I tried so hard to forget that night,” he said thickly, almost choking on the lump in his throat. “It sounds stupid now, but – fuck, for a moment I was so _happy_ that it was happening because I thought – I actually thought that was progress.” He chuckled humorlessly as he wiped his eyes. “I thought we'd fuck and maybe after that you wouldn't be so standoffish. Maybe once we got it all out in the open – but I just had to open my big mouth and fuck it all up. Fucking typical.”

“You didn't –“ Steve croaked and Tony looked up to find Steve with a stricken expression on his face. “Tony, all of that was my fault. I never should have touched you like that, I –“

“Well,” Tony said, crossing his arms uncomfortably. “You're not the one who provoked it, so there's nothing to be –“

“ _Provoked?_ ” Steve snapped with so much anger that Tony actually flinched back. “Sorry, I – fuck, Tony, I'm sorry, but you – Jesus, you think you provoked me into _taking advantage_ of you? Are you out of your _mind?_ ”

Tony blinked. “What the fuck are you talking about?”

Steve was looking at him like Tony had lost his mind which, to be fair, wasn't that far from the truth. “I forced myself on you without consent and you – fuck, I just let you walk away afterwards even though I _knew_ you were hurt and I said such awful things –“

“Okay, whoa whoa whoa!” Tony shouted, raising his hands. “What the fuck, Steve? You honestly think I couldn't have pushed you off if I'd wanted to?”

Steve shook his head. “But you –“

“You think I can't defend myself?” Tony continued, feeling anger rise in him. “Seriously? I _wanted_ to have sex with you, how much more consensual can you get?”

“Not like that!” Steve shouted right back, frustration coloring his tone. “I didn't ask you if it hurt, I didn't – wait.” Steve suddenly paused, staring at Tony like he'd grown a second head. “You _wanted_ it?”

“Jesus,” Tony sighed, rubbing his face. “So all this time you thought – Fuck, okay. Cards on the table? I'd been expecting something like that to happen for months when you came into the workshop.” He scoffed at Steve's incredulous face. “Don't give me that look, Rogers. We both know there was something there even before then. Sexual tension, whatever. And honestly it was only a matter of time before one of us snapped.”

“Still,” Steve insisted, but Tony cut him off.

“No. I was fully prepared for what happened. I thought you'd just fuck me and we'd both get it out of our systems and then –“

“It was never about sex,” Steve suddenly snapped and Tony shut up, his eyes wide. “God, you don't – Do you even know how long I'd been psyching myself up to tell you how I felt? I had a whole speech planned to ask you out on a date, but I was too scared to go up to you because – I mean, you're _you_. Don't take this the wrong way, but you can be kind of intimidating. And then you got back with Pepper and I just... What was I supposed to do?” Steve looked at Tony a little desperately and the longing in his eyes took Tony's breath away. “You never looked at me once and after that night I was so ashamed of what I'd done that I couldn't even imagine you'd want anything to do with me. And then everything went to shit and I didn't have the time to think about it anymore. I was so screwed up back then and I know we're both to blame for what happened with the Accords but – Fuck, Tony, you have to know that leaving you in that bunker was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.”

His eyes bore into Tony's so fiercely that Tony's breath caught in his throat. “And if I had to do it all again I'd be lying if I said I'd do everything differently, but... I should've trusted you, Tony. I'm so sorry I didn't. And –” Steve took a deep breath. “If you really want me – me and the team – out of your life, then I respect your decision. I won't judge you either way. But...” Tony saw Steve's hands tremble for a second before he clenched them into fists to keep them still. “I want to try and make things right. So if you can find it in your heart to give me a chance, I swear I'll be better to you, Tony. And the others will, too.”

Silence fell over the room for a long time. Steve didn't pressure Tony to answer, just waited silently as Tony mulled over his words.

“I didn't know I loved you back then,” Tony admitted quietly. “I think I... I mean, looking back it seems so obvious, but I was just... in denial, I guess. I didn't really figure out why that night meant so much to me until after Siberia.”

Steve's calm mask twisted and he suddenly looked close to tears. “Tony, I'm so –“

“Stop. Just... please stop,” Tony said tiredly, running a hand through his hair. “I messed up just as much as you did. I _did!_ ” Tony insisted when Steve opened his mouth to protest. “We're both to blame for Siberia. And I admit that I'm still angry at you for a lot of it and most of the time I want to punch you in the face, but.” Tony shrugged, awkwardly looking off to the side. “I never hated you. I couldn't. And I want to try, Steve, I really want us to be okay again. I just... I don't know if I can, right now.” He tried not to show how much it pained him to say this, but Steve must have seen it anyway because he hesitated before taking a step closer.

“I want to try, too,” he said with such hope in his voice that it brought a lump to Tony's throat. “And I understand if you need time. I'm willing to wait for as long as it takes. But...” He hesitated for so long that Tony started fidgeting nervously.

“Spit it out, Steve.”

“You said you loved me,” Steve said quietly and Tony felt his heart grow heavy with the sad longing in his voice. “Back then. But... after everything, do you... I mean, do you still –“

“Yes,” Tony said before he could talk himself out of it and the relief of admitting that, both to Steve and to himself, was so heady that he had to close his eyes for a moment before he could look at Steve again. “I don't want to... I mean, I don't think we should try for anything more than friends in the near future, but, for what it's worth... Yes.”

The smile that graced Steve's lips then was so beautifully fragile that Tony wanted nothing more than to freeze it in time forever, hold it close to his heart and never let go. They just looked at each other for a moment, feeling out this new understanding between them, before Steve started shuffling his feet.

“I, um.” He swallowed heavily. “You can tell me to go to hell, there's no pressure or anything, but, uh. Can – can I hold you?”

Tony paused. A part of him wanted to be mad at Steve for asking, but really he couldn't deny how much his body was screaming for physical contact. And if he was being honest with himself he really wanted the confirmation that all of this was real, that this was actually happening. So he stepped forward, cautiously wrapping his arms around Steve's waist and resting his head on Steve's shoulder. He could feel Steve suck in a sharp breath, his whole body tensing before his arms came up to cradle Tony carefully, almost as if he was afraid to hurt him. Tony breathed out slowly, closing his eyes when Steve's shaky exhale brushed the top of his head, Steve's arms tightening around him even as they trembled ever so slightly.

“You know,” Tony said, feeling a calm settle over him that he wouldn't have thought possible to feel around Steve again. “I'm still Tony Stark. I've never seen a problem I can't fix.”

Steve's laugh was filled with tears as he finally relaxed into the hug and Tony closed his eyes. “Thank you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that's it, folks. I hope you enjoyed the conclusion of this story (ends on a bit of a happier note than the last one even though I packed in ALL the angst I possibly could). Let me know what you think and thank you so much for reading! Love you!


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